


Assorted really short fics and drabbles

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-01-10
Updated: 2010-01-23
Packaged: 2018-03-16 13:22:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3489794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>These do not go together, just a bunch of short ones that I grouped chronologically as chapters to save space.  Read in any order you like.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Murderface has an Encounter

**Author's Note:**

> No plot, no explanation, just a scene.  
> Warning: Randomly homicidal Toki

Murderface heard a chillingly psychotic scream, that rare kind that worried even him. Thinking that Toki may have completely flipped out this time, but not wanting to miss a fight, he cautiously went to investigate. Yes, it was Toki. He had apparently leaped onto Nathan’s back and had an arm hooked around his throat, choking him. Nathan, strong as he was, was having no luck dislodging him as they staggered around the room. Okay, this was really bad. Where was everyone else? Had Toki killed them already or something? Nathan staggered, going to his knees, he clearly couldn’t breathe, and looked very close to passing out. The snarling Norwegian on his back was apparently going to kill him. 

Shit, it was Toki, but they needed Nathan more, he was irreplaceably. He was Dethklok. (Assuming the rest weren’t already dead, of course.) Murderface saw no choice, and drew his ever present knife. Nathan went down, there was no time left to think. He darted forward and stabbed Toki in the back. 

At least, that was the plan. 

At the last possible second, Ofdensen was there, kicking the knife away and reaching for Toki. Toki, still refusing to release his hold on Nathan, tried to bite, but Ofdensen was far more experienced and removed him quite quickly. Employing a few Vulcan-esque light punches, he managed to restrain the snarling, snapping, struggling Norwegian long enough to force him into a straight jacket. He motioned for the now waiting Klokateers to take Nathan to the hospital wing, and another to carry Toki for him. They all filed out of the room, leaving Murderface standing there staring, wondering just what the hell had just gone on.


	2. Dr. Rockso's Very Bad Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toki has unique and disturbing ways of "making" friends

Dr. Rockso woke up with a distinctive chloroform hangover. He knew the feeling well, since his cocaine habit prevented him from EVER falling asleep on his own. He’d gotten in the habit of chloroforming himself regularly, in order to get some rest. However, he didn’t remember doing it earlier.... Keeping his eyes tightly closed to avoid the light he knew from long experience would be very painful, he tried to remember last night.

While thinking, he made a move to scratch his balls, as was his normal custom upon awakening, but something was wrong. Yes, that was odd, he seemed to be restrained. And gagged, too. Hmm. In spite of the light, he was going to have to have a look. He squinted carefully. WHAT THE FUCK?!! Was this a dungeon?! Stone walls, manacles, what looked like instruments of _torture_..... god, if only he had some cocaine to clear his head. He seemed to be manacled to some sort of table or bench. 

There was a large pile of body parts in the corner... oh SHIT. Wait, were those... yes, they were mannequin parts. Still creepy, but less so, although probably still not a good sign. Why would someone pile mannequin parts in a dungeon? He turned his head further.

Toki. His friend (he hoped), surely Toki would explain who had done this to him, and set him free. Toki was standing near a table that was covered with lots of different knives. He appeared to be reading a book, but Rockso couldn’t make out the title from his position. Reading? He really wasn’t even all that sure that Toki even knew how to read. 

Toki looked up, saw that he was awake, and smiled. It was a friendly smile, which was rendered very disturbing by their surroundings. He approached the table. “Hi’s Rockso, yous awake. Yous my bestest friend, I founds a way yous can stay with me forevers! Nobodies will tell yous to leave again! I keeps you!” With an encouraging little pat, he went and picked up his book again. And a rather large knife. As he turned, Rockso could finally read the title: Taxidermy for Dummies. And oh dear god, he was holding it upside down.......


	3. Scandinavian Cookout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What exactly are they eating? I don't know, the possibilities are nearly endless....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the odd formatting, but I'm re-posting these as was. You'll live.

Nathan woke up to the smell of something cooking. Not the usual gourmet smells, but something that reminded him of backyard cookouts when he was a kid. He looked out. Toki and Skwisgaar had several large chunks of meat cooking on the old barbecue pit. Huh, that was different, he couldn’t remember them ever cooking before. Still, it smelled pretty good. It would probably be fun to grab some beers and go hang out, this sort of mundane thing just didn’t happen often around here. 

On his way, he ran across Pickles. “Dude, that smells like barbecue.” “Yeah, Toki and Skwisgaar are cooking. It’s weird. I’m gonna get some beers and go watch.” “Okay, I’ll come too.” They detoured past the fridge to collect the beer, then made their way out. Toki waved them over cheerfully. “Dude, what kind of meat is that? It doesn’t smell like beef or pork.” “Dats because it’s nots, dis is special meats.” Special meat? Well, it did smell pretty good, it was probably just some exotic game they’d found in the cooler or something. “Yous just in times, is almost dones.” A few beers later, they pronounced it ready.

They all took a plate (yes there were plates) and started eating. “Whoa dude, this is really good.” I can’t believe Murderface is missing this, where is he anyway? Toki and Skwisgaar shared a quick glance. “We can’t tells you thats, sorries. But don’t be worries about hims.” 

A thought slowly dawned on Pickles. No way would Murderface be missing a barbecue.... Unless he couldn’t be there? With a wary glance at the Scandinavians, he whispered, “Nat’an! Dude! I think we might be eatin’ Murderface.” “WHAT?!!” “The meat. They won’t tell us what it is, and Murderface is missin’....” “Barbecuing your bandmate, good song title. That’s pretty fucking brutal.” “Dude! Yer still eatin’ it! What the fuck?” “Well Pickles, this is really good. And if he’s already dead.....”

Pickles, unable to deal with the sight of three of his bandmates happily chowing down on one of their own, sickly backed away from them and ran for help. “Afdensen! Oh fuck, Afdensen, where are ya?” Ofdensen, Having seen a freaking out Pickles on the monitors, came out to intercept him. “Pickles, what’s wrong?” “Dude! Toki and Skwisgaar! And Nat’an! They’re EATIN’ Murderface! Oh gawd it’s horrible, I’m gonna be fuckin’ sick!” “Pickles, calm down, come with me. Let’s go out there and straighten this out.” Pickles, shaking, allowed himself to be led. 

They were all still eating. “Tokis, gives the butlers some of de barbecues.” Toki hopped up and quickly made Ofdensen a plate. Pickles watched in freaked out horror as he began to eat it. “This is really good you guys, maybe you should cook more often.” Nathan grunted his approval, he was busy working on another helping. Pickles, unable to bear it any longer, began screaming at them all. “HOW CAN YA FUCKIN’ SIT THERE EATIN’ MURDERFACE?!! OH GAWD, ARE YA GONNA EAT ME NEXT?!!” 

This got everyone’s attention. Toki stepped up. “Pickle, we’s not cooking Murderfaces. Why woulds we does dat?” Pickles stared at him in confusion. “Huh? Were is he then, if ya didn’t kill him?” “I’s tolds you, can’t tells.” “Dude, what the fuck? Really?” Ofdensen sighed. He’d promised to keep it a secret, but the Scandinavians had already managed to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and found out. And now Pickles was freaking out very badly. There was no help for it. “Murderface isn’t dead Pickles. Nobody’s eating him. He’s not here because he had to go to an appointment.” “An appoin’ment? What kind.” “I’m not telling you that. Now calm down and have some more barbecue.” 

Pickles, not sure if he believed them, eyed the meat warily. “So what is this then, if it’s naght Murderface?” “Well Pickles, although not human, it’s still illegal to have, so I really can’t tell you. It does have four legs though, if that helps.” “Four legs. Okay. I think I need a drink.” Nathan tossed him a beer. Pulling himself together, Pickles sat down and tentatively picked off a piece of meat. He put it in his mouth as they all watched. 

Well, it was pretty damn good barbecue. He dug in.


	4. Pickles vs pizza

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Weird thoughts while I was eating pizza led to this. And it's a Princess Bride joke, in case you don't get it.

Pickles was eating a very special pizza, a big and challenging one, when the phone rang. Without checking to see who it was, he answered it. To his horror, it was his brother Seth, calling collect from Australia. Pickles, his mouth full of pizza, choked on a bite in his rage at the sound of his brother’s voice. Fortunately for him, Charles was passing through and gave him the Heimlich maneuver. Checking the phone to see what caused this, Charles turned back to Pickles. “You fool,” he said, “Never go up against a Sicilian when Seth is on the line!”


	5. stupid llamas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt was: Toki, Skwisgaar, and llamas

“Dose tings looks evil.” Skwisgaar wasn’t enjoying is visit to the petting zoo very much, and didn’t want to get any closer to the strange animals that Toki was currently hugging.  
“Stop beings a lady Skwisgaar! They’s just llamas, you sleeps with them anyway.”  
That was too much. “I DOES NOT SLEEPS WIT DE LLAMAS!” But they did look kind of like his blanket... “Fines, if I pets it will you stops callings me names?”  
Toki nodded happily, so he made himself reach out and touch one.  
The llama glared, then spit on him.  
Skwisgaar really wished he’d stayed home.


	6. nots again!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt was: Skwisgaar's penis detaches and crawls into the air conditioning system  
> “Mystery bed partner” is whoever you want it to be

“Is it in yet?” came the question from the person below him.  
Skwisgaar swore and looked around the room. “Ja, but nots in you.” Abandoning his bed mate, he grabbed a broom handle. “No, nots de damn air conditioning system _agains_!”  
He jabbed at the air duct. “Heys! Gets back downs here, you has work to be doesing! Besides, cold air makes you shrinks!” He began beating on the wall, trying to herd it back to where he could grab it. “Stupid penis, runnings away alls de time! Comes back here!”  
Somewhat disturbed, the other person quietly left the room.


End file.
